Communication~~Conflict Resolution...

Conflict is defined as a negative interaction between two or more interdependent people, rooted I some actual or perceived disagreement.  Further conflict is broken into unproductive and productive conflict (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012). Unproductive is just that, when managed poorly there is a negative impact on the relationship. Conversely, a productive conflict produces positive change in any of the following personal growth, ability to compromise, identification of goals to create a more successful interaction and basic relationship building skills. Conflict resolution is a very important skill to possess when working with staff, parents, children, and the public in general. Because working with children and families is emotionally tasking the ability to resolve conflict in an appropriate way is paramount in working in the field.

NVC offers skill building to create a more productive conflict management approach through the following (nnvc.org, 2014):

• Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;
• Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;
• Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and,
• Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).

Magda Gerber, an early childhood advocate, teacher and parent educator, who worked under Dr. Emmi Pickler, proposed the idea that relationships take time to build through ongoing respectful, responsive and reciprocal interactions.  

Both NVC and Magda’s approaches to conflict resolution are built on the foundation of mutually respectful relationships and effective communications.  When people are vested in the success or continuance of the relationship, they will use these approaches and ideas to come to a productive resolution of conflict…that means they will use communication (verbal and non-verbal) appropriately to resolve the issues in an amicable and positive way. The positive resolution strengthens the relationship, along with the skills of being an effective communicator, both fundamental goals of working effectively with colleagues and families.

An example of productive conflict resolution is something that just happened in our center the other day, between a staff member and me.  She has been forgetting or not doing the closing checklist each night to make sure tasks are completed and the center is ready for the children the next day. Last Sunday I went into work to catch up on some paperwork and before I left, I decided to unload the dishwasher to help out the opener.  I opened up the dishwasher and it was full of dirty dishes.  I was mad, because I had seen also that the toy shelves hadn’t been straightened and the floor had not been vacuumed. I completed the cleaning tasks, vacuumed and started the dishwasher. On Monday morning instead of getting after the closers from the Friday night, I took a deep breath and asked how Friday went. They said nothing out of the ordinary had happened and there were no late families. I told them about the things I had noticed that weren’t done.  They didn’t have a good reason for no vacuuming or shelf straightening, but each thought the other had started the dishwasher. Instead of a write up, which is what I would have normally done, we discussed that since one of the staff members was new they would make sure the closing sheet was filled out and initialed each night until I got back to them. Then we also discussed that because each person was responsible for signing off on what they were doing that any unfinished job would be a write up.  Each day they would break up the closing duties and work together to get them done.  That way each person wasn’t stuck doing all the chores or thought someone else was doing them. While we had our discussion I listened and was empathetic to their needs while still expressing the importance of making sure the school was ready for the children the next day.  We also agreed upon a procedure if things were crazy that night and if things didn’t get done what would be the protocol.  Before this I would get excuses about who didn’t do what and why I think this time they saw the importance of the task at hand.

References

O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.            
The Centers for Non-Violent Communication. http://www.cnvc.org/learn/nvc-foundations