Communication~~Conflict Resolution...

Conflict is defined as a negative interaction between two or more interdependent people, rooted I some actual or perceived disagreement.  Further conflict is broken into unproductive and productive conflict (O'Hair & Wiemann, 2012). Unproductive is just that, when managed poorly there is a negative impact on the relationship. Conversely, a productive conflict produces positive change in any of the following personal growth, ability to compromise, identification of goals to create a more successful interaction and basic relationship building skills. Conflict resolution is a very important skill to possess when working with staff, parents, children, and the public in general. Because working with children and families is emotionally tasking the ability to resolve conflict in an appropriate way is paramount in working in the field.

NVC offers skill building to create a more productive conflict management approach through the following (nnvc.org, 2014):

• Differentiating observation from evaluation, being able to carefully observe what is happening free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us;
• Differentiating feeling from thinking, being able to identify and express internal feeling states in a way that does not imply judgment, criticism, or blame/punishment;
• Connecting with the universal human needs/values (e.g. sustenance, trust, understanding) in us that are being met or not met in relation to what is happening and how we are feeling; and,
• Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving).

Magda Gerber, an early childhood advocate, teacher and parent educator, who worked under Dr. Emmi Pickler, proposed the idea that relationships take time to build through ongoing respectful, responsive and reciprocal interactions.  

Both NVC and Magda’s approaches to conflict resolution are built on the foundation of mutually respectful relationships and effective communications.  When people are vested in the success or continuance of the relationship, they will use these approaches and ideas to come to a productive resolution of conflict…that means they will use communication (verbal and non-verbal) appropriately to resolve the issues in an amicable and positive way. The positive resolution strengthens the relationship, along with the skills of being an effective communicator, both fundamental goals of working effectively with colleagues and families.

An example of productive conflict resolution is something that just happened in our center the other day, between a staff member and me.  She has been forgetting or not doing the closing checklist each night to make sure tasks are completed and the center is ready for the children the next day. Last Sunday I went into work to catch up on some paperwork and before I left, I decided to unload the dishwasher to help out the opener.  I opened up the dishwasher and it was full of dirty dishes.  I was mad, because I had seen also that the toy shelves hadn’t been straightened and the floor had not been vacuumed. I completed the cleaning tasks, vacuumed and started the dishwasher. On Monday morning instead of getting after the closers from the Friday night, I took a deep breath and asked how Friday went. They said nothing out of the ordinary had happened and there were no late families. I told them about the things I had noticed that weren’t done.  They didn’t have a good reason for no vacuuming or shelf straightening, but each thought the other had started the dishwasher. Instead of a write up, which is what I would have normally done, we discussed that since one of the staff members was new they would make sure the closing sheet was filled out and initialed each night until I got back to them. Then we also discussed that because each person was responsible for signing off on what they were doing that any unfinished job would be a write up.  Each day they would break up the closing duties and work together to get them done.  That way each person wasn’t stuck doing all the chores or thought someone else was doing them. While we had our discussion I listened and was empathetic to their needs while still expressing the importance of making sure the school was ready for the children the next day.  We also agreed upon a procedure if things were crazy that night and if things didn’t get done what would be the protocol.  Before this I would get excuses about who didn’t do what and why I think this time they saw the importance of the task at hand.

References

O'Hair, D., & Wiemann, M. (2012). Real communication. New York: Bedford/St. Martin's.            
The Centers for Non-Violent Communication. http://www.cnvc.org/learn/nvc-foundations

Communication--How Am I Doing?

This week we looked at ourselves as communicators.  We used a series of surveys to see how we perceive ourselves as communicators and how others perceive us as communicators. I think I have always been introspective and am aware of my shortcomings and strengths; I do not however have any idea of how others perceived me.  This was an interesting assignment.

Survey results affirmed what I thought:

Communication Anxiety Inventory:

I feel somewhat anxious with some communication situations…public speaking is something I can do, if it is something that I am passionate about…I still feel like I might throw up before the speaking engagement but I make it through.

Verbal Aggressiveness Scale:

I maintain a good balance between respect and considerations for others’ viewpoints, and the ability to argue fairly by attaching the facts of a position rather than the person holding that position.

Listening Style Profile:

I am people oriented—empathetic and concerned with the emotions of others. This listening style helps me build relationships, but it can interfere with proper judgment because I tend to be very trusting of others.

The second half of this week’s assignment was to have two others complete the survey about us.  (P) will be one person completing the survey (K) will be the other; I will share the results with you below in the same order as above:

(P) feels that I feel a bit uneasy in some communication situations and somewhat more confident in other contexts.  He reports that communication doesn’t seem to be something that I worry a great deal about; he feels I maintain a good balance between respect and considerations for others’ viewpoints, and the ability to argue fairly by attaching the facts of a position rather than the person holding that position. Lastly, he rated me as people oriented and that I am empathetic and concerned with the emotions of others. This listening style helps me build relationships, but it can interfere with proper judgment because I tend to be very trusting of others.

(K) feels I am comfortable communicating in most situations and feels I am confident in anticipating such encounters; she feels I maintain a good balance between respect and considerations for others’ viewpoints, and the ability to argue fairly by attaching the facts of a position rather than the person holding that position. Finally, she rated me as people oriented and that I am empathetic and concerned with the emotions of others. This listening style helps me build relationships, but it can interfere with proper judgment because I tend to be very trusting of others.

Seeing the similarity in the evaluations affirms that I am mostly transparent, easy to read and know myself and my communication and listening styles pretty well.

Communication Differences

This week’s activity was to think about the cultural diversity you see in your colleagues at school, in your neighborhood, in your workplace, and possibly, within your family. Consider all the aspects that make up culture, including race, religion, political affiliation, sexual orientation, varying abilities, and so on.

Do you find yourself communicating differently with people from different groups and cultures?

If yes, in what ways do you communicate differently?

I do talk differently to different groups…when talking with my colleagues I use the early childhood education “jargon”, parents and the checker at Walmart may not understand that so I change it up a bit. 

I talk to the children in a different manner than I talk to parents and colleagues and certainly differently than I talk to a stranger on the street. Having said that I will say this…it is not out of disrespect, but respect that I speak to those where they are. It is not very effective to talk to someone in a way or about a subject they may know nothing about—while using that “professional jargon”. It would be ridiculous to talk about Cephalocaudal Development of a fetus and how teratogens can inhibit the typical growth of the fetus to the man behind you in the checkout line, as well as completely out of context it would mean nothing to the person. Likewise, I wouldn’t be able to keep up on a conversation about quantum physics with a physicist.

This week we also read about “THE PLATINUM RULE”. The platinum rule was suggested by researcher Milton Bennett as a way to better communicate with others.  The idea is that we should treat others the way they would want to be treated, not the way WE want to be treated.  You know the “golden” rule for the 21^st century (platinum is worth more as a precious metal than gold). Bennett tells us that it is an attempt to think and feel what another might think and feel and then go beyond that to take positive action toward others in response to your empathetic feelings, and become “other oriented”. How does this affect a communication with someone from a culture you know nothing about? You would have to be so knowledgeable about those societal norms and cultural value so you could do it just right. We in America value a firm handshake and making eye contact when first meeting someone—that is not the case in other cultures. At what point does it make us guess or assume how other cultures want us to treat them…that’s sort of what the majority of people do now, isn’t it? You know what they say about assuming…

Communications Skills and Styles--Muted

 Image courtesy of http://www.medialifemagazine.com/wp-content/uploads/

2013/01/days-of-our-lives.jpg

This week’s assignment was to watch a show we do not usually watch (without the volume on) and watch for non-verbal communications that might allow us to figure out the relationship of the characters and what their feelings and expressions may be telling us of the interaction.

I googled an episode of Days of Our Lives, I hadn’t seen the show since 1998 and thought for sure I would be able to see some exaggerated non-verbal communications. I was not disappointed! As I remembered, it was ever dramatic.

Between the arms flailing and eye rolling, I could easily tell who the adversaries and allies were. 

I then started the program over and listened this time, I was pretty close to the mark, I had not been able to peg what sort of conversation topic they were having from the silent screening, but the worded watching was filled with the emotional words that matched the actions. It seems, as though the more exaggerated the physical movements are the more either celebratory or confrontational the situation.

I can remember when I was in high school it was one of my friends and my favorite games to play in the cafeteria. We would put words to the actions from groups talking across the room. I do not know if it was helpful but it was fun, I learned a lot about reading people by watching them talk.

The Great Communicator...

Great communicators have the ability to influence others both intentionally and unintentionally, one such communicator what Ronald Reagan. 

I can remember being a teen when Ronald Reagan was President. He reminded me of my Pap (grandpa), and his birthday was one day after mine. The 1980’s were  called the decade of excess and the charisma of its leaders were excessive too. President Reagan had done it all it seemed, he started from humble beginnings and rose to the pinnacle of power, movie star turned politician—first a democrat then a republican—although at the time I had no idea what that meant.  He was dubbed “the great communicator” earning that title because of his skill at talking evocatively and using folksy anecdotes that ordinary people could understand.

He had a gift for optimism. He always spoke of the future.  He exuded a sense of country; and became a magnet for young audiences he attracted them because he stood for something; talked about substance. But he kept his message basic and simple and on mainstream American concerns. Who else could have done what he did? He got the leader of the Soviet Republic to play nice with the rest of the world and put an end to the cold war.  “There is one sign the Soviets can make that would be unmistakable, that would advance dramatically the cause of freedom and peace. General Secretary Gorbachev, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the Soviet Union and Eastern Europe, if you seek liberalization: Come here to this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, open this gate! Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” (Ronald Reagan, June 12, 1987).

This was no small task; it gives me hope that the common man (or in my case, woman) can rally around important issues and get the world to back you…that is skill. Skills I would like to be able to emulate.